Forever guessing,

wondering why I'm sitting here waiting

Waiting for you to call,

for life to happen

for whatever it is that I need to find

To come into focus

Every thing's a blur.

I'm trapped in the dizziness

Of this selfish human life

I want people to feel loved

just by looking at me

I want to be able to make everyone smile

I don't want to be a cause of pain,

but a cause of change

for myself

and others

I want my blood to flow thick with hope

and happiness

An understanding of this world 

and how I want my world to be within the one I was forced to live on

Distance seems so inadequate,

so many faces I've never seen and will never see

So many stories I will never hear

Even if I do travel the world, I will still be missing billions of stories

of theories, of causes, and of love

I'm tired of feeling guilty to others and to myself

for living  on auto-pilot for so long

I'm going to experience things

and I'm not letting you go

I have a connection here on earth 

And I'm not willing to throw it away

Because of distance. 

Although it hurts

I believe every thing's going to fall into place

Distance can't break a connection

between souls, between a bond so strong

I am stronger than my heart leads me to think right now

I know I can do whatever it takes

What is right for me will come in time

I will know what to do

I will know how to live

An invisible hope surrounds my mind

Suffocating me in optimism

Enabling me to breath in the thought of your smile

Bringing one to my face

Even through my sadness

I have faith that happiness will find us

Our souls will continue to grow 

No matter where we physically stand in this world.

Words unsaid

Constantly

The truth bleeds out,

but continuously falls short.

Fallen lives, fallen dreams, fallen morals

Stale words in the backs of peoples' heads

Billions of people

with trillions of thoughts

If we would just all say how we really feel

Make a change when we feel the need

Would those stale words in the back of our heads

be replaced with bullets?

Too afraid to live our lives,

Our existence is wasting away.

Inconsistent thoughts

Meanings that switch, off and on

Circling around my head,

my body

Pulling at every limb

Separating my joints,

my tendons over-stretched.

As much as this world pulls me apart

My soul stays intact.

The hurt lingers on,

What purpose do I hold?

Who will accompany me through this anxiety-filled, questionable life?

Will my morals, my dreams continue to fill my brain

my heart, my actions?

Or will I forever be alone, hoping to meet someone to share these things with?

Will I settle with conforming?

My beliefs, stored away in a dusty box, in the back of the attic of my mind?

No, my conscious will never let me live that way... I will always be searching,

always be waiting, unless I find what I know I want.

Inhale; exhale

Inhale; exhale

I'll just get used to waiting.

I thought there was more to this

than a simple "one time" sort of thing

I thought there was something beautiful

a feeling of goodness

Yes, confusion is involved

as it always is when something somewhat new is sprouting

The changes have been made

I will never be the person you used to know 

My moods, my motives, have shifted

Away from control

Away from judgement

I am a positive beam of light now

I'm not saying that I'm not sad,

My heart is dizzy from spinning so much

going up and down in increments so fast,

I can hardly remember where it was last

But what touches me is just looking at your smile

Your touch,

the conversations,

The simple things

Those are the things I want.

The things I love.

Complicated immaturity

has been left in the dust

I would never go back to that.

But I see something, in the new,

the changes, they draw me in

If I could be with that smile

that touch,

those conversations

without barriers, quarrel, and immaturity

There would be nothing holding me back

Maybe it's not me that has held onto the past,

maybe it's not you either

I'm not sure what it is,

but I know that what I feel isn't just  a trip,

an opinion, a overexageration

What I feel is true

It is deep, new even

It's the feeling I've been waiting to feel

And I'm sure it has something to do with the changes I have felt growing within me

Out onto the surface, 

my changes noticing yours

Smiling at each other, even when trying to hold back

I won't stop smiling, not when I have the simple things

The simple things with you

Even if things aren't solid, or definite

The simple things don't have to be complicated

They aren't going to hold us back

I won't hold you back anymore

I will help push you forward,

while smiling at you by your side

or from afar

My smile is a result of you, 

your simple actions which show no fury

no tangles, no worries

I just don't want to lose yesterday

Simply yesterday with you,

I would be satisfied with that.

What is it about society that makes it so attractive to most people?
Is it the corrupted media?
The desire to be an exact replica of the person next to you?
The love of being surrounded endlessly by buildings towering over you,
appearing to judge you for being so small?
Drones walking around acting superior
Treating the ones that are different like dirt
What is so wrong with having individual thoughts? theories? actions?
This beautiful world has been over swept with ugliness, hate, and destruction
The trees which help us to breath in life, are cut down only for our love of fast-food industries,
meat, and money.
The water which keeps us alive is contaminated with pesticides, power which seeps deeper than the roots of the plants we call food
We are poisoned not only physically, but mentally.
Money RULES what we make of our lives.
Happiness is not impossible, but we need a change
I have made a pact to myself and this world that we live in
I will not promote the corporate hell that runs our nation
I will stand behind local farmers, rainforest alliances, and organic products.
I will NOT fall down anymore.
I am motivated and this bullshit society will not stop me now.

writing you letters

that i'll never send

you'll never see

the things i cannot say to you any longer

filling up pages and pages

i could write a book full of my feelings

but for now, i will keep them to myself

at least i'll try

for your sake

you need your time

your space

and it does hurt, but you mean enough to me

that i can try to help to remain silent

at least for now

so that we can start over

and that you can find your place in this world

but i hope you know 

that you will always have my feelings 

if you want them

whether they're hidden in a box

or filling up my notebooks

stacked high against my walls

or being created into a book, a work of art

my soul will always find you amazing and beautiful

no matter if we're together or not

there is no one in existence identical to you

i can say that without ever meeting more than 1% of the population

because there is no way there is another you

just like there is no way that there is anyone exactly like me out there

at least that's a bit of freedom, knowing that much

in this monotonous world

i hope you can find happiness and i hope that i can too

and whether it be as friends or more,

i hope that our happiness can always be connected

if you judge those who surround you

and the world

you must think yourself superior

which has no truth to it at all.

no one is superior to anyone else

our souls are equally divine,

equally beautiful

and equally individual

our judges are based on appearance.

on the physical matter of this world

and we can only judge with our physical matter.

if we lived through our souls,

judgement would not exist.

our souls transcend judgement, society, and comparisons.

we are but one wholly original mass of love, grace, and honesty

separate, we are individuality of all sorts, but none of which are negatively bound.

our souls have the ability to help us grow

and help us find our true human meaning

free from the hate and the constant struggles we find ourselves in

there is happiness in everything. 

you can't ignore the ugly society which surrounds you...

you must find a way to live amongst the hideous, 

but let your inner-beauty shine brighter 

than the darkness which covers our land

change is where the soul is

and happiness is where the change lies

we must be honest with ourselves.

love ourselves and others. for their souls.

for simply EXISTING.

there is no reason not to love.

love is a bit of heaven.

while loneliness is a bit of hell.

society teaches us to be selfish

and selfishness leads to loneliness.

we must love one another 

and after we have found out individual happiness,

we must share it with everyone.

selfishness is the downfall of man.

dishonesty, lies, and independence

(independence based on selfish desires to live without sharing your love and beauty with someone else)

positivity is key to a healthy world

and society is anything but positive.

i've been distracting myself from the constant pain
by surrounding myself with those who know me best
i told you i had given you all of my love
and that you had taken my entire heart
i still feel the hurt, the emptiness i felt
when our three year relationship brutally ended
but i have realized that my heart is a never-ending
producer of love
my love will never stop.
my love has been radiating out of my tired body
and into the hearts of my friends
my family, the ones that are here to help me and love me no matter what
i'm not saying i am hurting any less
because losing you is the hardest heartbreak i've ever had to deal with
but at least i know that through no matter what,
my soul will never stop loving.
i will never be able to give out "too much"
like i thought i had
if there was a limit, then what would love be?
just another norm set by society
the only thing that should rule love is what lies within us
we must have a never-ending supply 
or else love wouldn't be love.
marriage fails because people only give what they think is fair
when love ISN'T fair
Love ISN'T logical.
not only does one have an infinite amount of love to give,
but has the capacity to receive this same infinite love
we trap ourselves into thinking we don't deserve the love we receive
or that we can only "give so much"
which to some extent is true, but the truth is
love is ever-lasting, never gone, and will never die.
love thrives deeper within us
and outlives our frail bodies' by being infinite.
if our supply of love never-ends, then time has no limit to this love, either.
it's all about the soul, what's inside.
it's not physical or rational.
i hate how society has taught me to only give as much as i receive... 
because i have never been able to do that. i've always given more and for some reason felt guilty.
i should always give more and hope that someday the person i love will realize that they have this ability to infinitely direct love my way.
i know i can have this.

The song circling itself inside of my head

Replaying each word

The dizziness, overwhelming

The thoughts in my head

Drowning me beneath the fog

The unknown

I am alone

Beneath this vacillating uncertainty

The words fail to spill out;

verbally

Physically, each word falls down

each cheek, as the anxiety-filled liquid

wells up in each topaz-colored eye

"This loneliness is suffocating

these thoughts are burying me alive."

The sun shines through each gap between each blind.

My face appears dry,

yet layered with the moisture of my tears.

Each tear watering the seed of a new thought

A re-newed feeling of desolation

Each one, growing deeper than the last

The roots wrapping themselves around my body, my mind

Choking, pressing harder

The words will forever fail to be heard

If keeping my mouth shut comes so easily,

why can't I cut off my mind from these thoughts?

The reservoir has crashed over

Thoughts filling up each and every space, each second

that I thought I had to breath, now gone

Three words well over

The words I was dreading to hear myself say

"You are alone."

Thoughts forming within the brain

Filling up the mind

The eyes

Each thought, pouring out

They're streaming down your face

Over the mouth that you have kept quiet

And onto the ground

Tears filling up every hole

On every pathway

Puddles of forgotten hopes

Ideas drowning themselves

In the flooded despair of locked up truth

A shattered skull leaving the brain unprotected

The mind, filling up with endless possibilities

Will we still fit together when we're no longer broken?

Our hands are interlocked so tightly, I think we will

It is possible this is a stairway leading to nowhere

but it's better than no stairway at all

Trying to make time go by faster with my mind

The clock ticks steadily, but it seems to be going slower and slower

With every breath I take, time slows, I'm sick of this

Waiting for the truth to bleed out from inside

Can someone be patient for an eternity?

Heavy breathing, panic

The end is a lonesome mystery

And with every end lies a new beginning

With no answers

How are we built to handle the never-ending questions?

Collect your thoughts
Constantly overflowing onto the ground
Each idea implanting itself
A seed with exponentially flawed growth
Lost within the roots
A glimpse of light revealed
Lifting its limp leaves closer
Towards a brand new day
Where a hand will hold you up high
There's more to the world than this
One day love will peek through the crack in the door
And engulf your pain
Take it all away

Wounded together
Breaking apart
Temptation leaks out like a poisonous gas
Filling up the room
Each particle reaching out for you
Hold your breath
Don't let it kill you
Run to where the your life meets a change
Each branch of self-worth growing
Closer and closer towards the sun
Positive light injects itself within you
And those around you realize
The truth, which is revealed
Clenched teeth form a smile
Radiating love in every form
Muted societal pressure
You're in control
Your depression washed away
By your tears of self-renewal
The barrier dissipates
You're free

My eyes are wide with concern
Muted by this lack of natural beauty
All color, all wonderment washed away
By the break down of the roots
From which this world became
The roots that were once so strong
Shriveled up underneath the concrete
This false foundation
Just doesn't hold my footprints like the soil
Which once held the roots
to my very being
The stubborn imitation of the stone that once was
The real beginning
Plants weaving their way through the cracks in the street
Half-faded, the sun blocked by the street signs
The buildings towering above
The trunks of the trees older than our minds
Shrink underneath technological advances
A cool breeze puts shivers down my legs
While my palms are warm with sweat
My anxiety melts through my skin
My fingerprints produce tears
My eyes too tired to care
Too tired of the repeated scenery
I need to get out of here
Walk until my feet are blistered and bare
Where the roots are plugged into the ground
Intertwined between my toes
And the wires of the past cut short
My heart remains within the trees
Each ring gives me comfort
Each branch, welcoming me home

It's so hard to feel like an individual in this world
Each going down a separate path
Twists, plateaus, U-turns, unexpected accidents, surprises, rage,
Each of us following similar, yet different routes
All leading down one long-winding road
A dead end every time
Some afraid of the death which we know inevitable
While others accept the unknown
My life is equal to the lives of others
I am just a photo copy of what's expected of me
School smarts are inlaid within me
Does that make it right?
My instinct tells me there's more to life than this path I'm following
A way to pave my own
Forever criticized by the stereotypes
They think they're smarter and more prepared
This world wasn't created on textbooks and money
I pray to God that I will figure out this mystery
Before it's too late
My life cannot be washed away without this change
My faith leads me away from what's common and comfortable
Where love overcomes this curtain of lies
Where the trees reach farther toward the sky than the buildings in the skyline
My eyes sigh with this lack of natural beautiful
There's more to this than what surrounds me
The truth lies within my soul

I wonder what it would be like
To live in a world
Where I'm not constantly reminding of myself
If my intentions
Were to create a change
For others
Maybe I would love
Myself
Instead of being a product
That keeps falling apart
My pieces taped together
An optical illusion
Diverting attention
Away from my imperfection
If only I could change the world
For you
Caring more about ending the pain in this world
My pain would slowly dissolve
Away my insecurities
My soul thrives for more than this world
Full of questions
I am ready to seek the answers
Irrational love from the population
Out of this comfort zone
Stepping over the line
Self-addiction no longer rules my mind
No longer prone to love the meaningless lies of this world
My faith giving me a reason to love
Instead of a reason to judge and hate
Loving people just because they exist!
In this complicated mess of a world