Friday, February 20, 2009

You're plucking away at the strings of my heart
Like it's your very own instrument
Your guitar tuned exactly how you like it
As you play your newly created song
My strings get worn in
They're wearing through
Wearing thin
I don't know how much longer I can go like this
Your fingers play so beautifully,
but only for yourself
It's leading to my destruction
My thoughts could be your lyrics,
but would you even listen?
I'll be singing until my throat bleeds.
And you'll be playing long after my strings have been ripped apart.
Long after I exist.

Monday, February 16, 2009

I used to think the person I looked at in the mirror was another version of myself living in another universe. The mirror was just a window into the world of my alternate self. I mean, I was probably ten at the time, but the feeling of more than just myself in that mirror made me feel infinite. It was a sense of mystery, a sense of comfort, that somewhere else; there was someone else like me, exactly like me. Now, I know it's just a piece of glass, a reflection of the person I’ve grown up to be. Although I'm glad there's no one else exactly like myself, I wish I were a different individual. These thoughts constantly cloud my mind as I lay in my bed. Insomnia sweeps in, I can't relax. All I can do is try to settle my unstable mind... full of racing thoughts, ideas, and imaginary situations. Once I finally fall asleep, what seems like a minute later, morning sneaks in, tapping at my shoulder, waking me from my dreams. I always dream. I dream so much that I sometimes mix reality with my dreams. It’s almost as if I never went to sleep. The mornings kill me. I always want to stay in bed until the last possible moment before my classes, which I feel are worthless. That’s a completely different story all together.

I'm sick of feeling like a conformist in this world. College life seems like a waste of my money (my parents’ money) and time. The only reason I'm here is because it's necessary for my career status in the future. Spending tens of thousands of dollars a year to be taught by mediocre grad students that have horrible grammar and obnoxious teaching methods just seems like a joke to me. It’s just plain old trickery. It’s the government tricking the country into thinking these classes help to build what is viewed as the “perfect” future. This country is so messed up. Society controls the timeline of our lives. It controls every inch of our being, our ideas of intelligence, money, relationships, and even beauty.

To be "beautiful," you must weigh one hundred pounds, be an unhealthy shade of tan, and have an ideally shaped face and body. I hate how skewed beauty is. No wonder the divorce rate is 50%. People are unhappy with great personalities and healthy bodies... Nothing is ever good enough because media has shoved celebrities with eating disorders and drug problems on the covers of every magazine... and on top of that, they're all photo-shopped to "perfection." People are so unhappy with their bodies that they feel the need to alter themselves with plastic surgery and treat their bodies as if they are flexible enough to not eat for weeks. Being unique isn't precious anymore; it's scorned. The ways of the world have swallowed morals and identities all together. God's creations are viewed as ugly, unappreciated figures that should do all that they can to be thin, eye-catching, and unified into a species of monotonous idealization. Everyone feels they aren't good enough, beautiful enough, fake enough, but in reality, no one is smart enough to realize that loving the person you were created to be is the real beauty. Why do you want to be like someone else? Someone who is obviously unhappy with their own body and needs drugs and bulimia to feel beautiful?

The statistics of eating disorders, plastic surgery, and pornography have sky-rocketed in the past fifty years, only to leave every truly beautiful person feeling empty and alone. These walls of sin and worthless media block every relationship and no one is doing anything to change it! Constant failed relationships and unhappiness with the self has lead to the suicide of identity. What ever happened to simplicity being the ultimate sophistication?

Society complicates individuality by making it seem worthless. The importance of individuals is basically invisible, leaving this country only to keep spiraling downward. The geniuses will never know their true potential because they are too worried about their outer shell. Their appearance within this world is all that matters. The open-minded are dwindling, leaving this world in a bubble of lies. It’s as if society wants to suck people in so that they can’t think for themselves. Magazines, Music, Movies, Television, video games, and internet sites keep minds from thinking freely. Time is no longer more precious than entertainment. People waste away time they could take to change this sinful and empty world only to fill their brains with worthless entertainment.

God is no longer the almighty because society believes to be above it. They want Godly power and they will do whatever they can to contain it. People idolize celebrities instead of our creator without even realizing that they are in the wrong. Celebrities are paid more than our teachers, more than our doctors, more than anyone else in the country. What does that tell us? Media rules it all. Society has made appearance and entertainment the center of our lifestyle. No morals are taught through these meaningless societal norms. Love is no longer special; it’s just something that happens over and over again through a life. Divorce is expected. Sex is no longer sacred. Where has hope gone? Where is the faith in true love and being an individual? Teens lose their virginity every year to people they believe they love because of media and society’s bull shit. If people focused on the truth, that things can actually be special in life, we’d be able to save ourselves for an individual worth saving it for. We’re ruining our purposes by giving every single part of ourselves away without love, without thought! It’s unfair to us that realize what we’ve done after it’s already too late. Depression stems from these things that are meant to be special, but are ripped from us because we don’t know any better. Why do you think people are so unhappy? I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that these things aren’t meant to be special. What is the point of marriage if love and sex are no longer sacred? How can people be in love and give themselves away over and over and then decide, “this is the one!” It doesn’t make much sense to me. I don’t want to fall in love five times and have multiple sexual partners and then decide to get married. I want to dedicate my entire being to that person and have them dedicate their entire self to me as well… and yes, I mean respecting me even before they meet me by not faking love and sex with another. I want to do the same. I want marriage to be special, not only in itself, but between my husband and myself. A husband should view his wife as the most beautiful person in the world, not letting society define beauty otherwise. I want to feel like the most beautiful person in the world because of this. I don’t want to constantly be compared to celebrities, porn stars, and every other societal ideal of beauty. I don’t want to constantly compare my other half to the idealistic hotness of a male. If it felt all right, I wouldn’t be ranting, but it doesn’t. How can it be right for a person to fantasize about others while claiming to dedicate him or herself to their soul mate? Society has messed up everything. No longer is the individual appreciated. Spouses can no longer look into the eyes of their other without a wall of secrets and judgments. How can this world be saved?

Sunday, February 15, 2009

I wonder about the thoughts, the songs
which are running through the minds
of the people I'm passing by
Each person connecting the lyrics
with different memories, feelings
A lover, nostalgia, inner secrets
Reading each person like an open book
Wishing I could soak every word in,
but the pages consist of hidden meanings
The truth is,
What's visible is only the cover
The books of their lives are bound so tight
Their souls are wasting away
like dust-covered books on the back shelf
I wish to know each page inside and out
Memorize the words,
decipher the meaning behind the text
Each person has a uniquely beautiful story
Not enough of our thoughts are shared with others
More love would exist in this world
if we let ourselves become more connected
Look into the eyes
of the passerby
Ignore the daily monotony
See what lies behind the tired eyes
Share the music between your souls
Let the notes surround you out loud
Resonating to the beat of your hearts

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

As each note pours through me,
each sound, resonating differently
draws me closer
As if they're riding along with the wind
Lifting my hair up to touch my face
Composing the music which surrounds me
Leading me to
the places I've been searching for
for so long
The music between souls
This sacred connection
It forever draws me near
To happiness
There's so much more to this
And the flow of the words,
the strings,
leads me to believe
I can see the beauty in everything
Even once my eyes are closed
The sounds remind me
That I'm surrounded
Wrapped up tight within this life
The knot that's been keeping my mind tied down for so long
has been ripped apart
I feel as if I am myself again
Yet, at times, my stomach still drops
I remember all that's been lost
but then I remind myself of the positivity that I've gained
I am sick of holding myself back
The invisible wall between me and the rest of my life
Will this complicated mess dissolve in time?
I feel that it will, but the anxiety is overwhelming
My patience is being sucked out of me, leaving me dry
I feel that my life is a constant strain of waiting, hoping,
waiting, hoping, when will it all fall into place?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Thoughts continuously keeping me from falling asleep
Each idea floating out from my mind
Surrounding my body,
Suffocating me like a hungry snake
Unable to let go of the stress
My day keeps going on inside my head
Daydreams are the only dreams I'm having
the never-ending theories that pop into my head
Each one leads to another
I have an infinite amount overflowing
They keep me on edge
Will I ever be able to unwind?
I toss and turn just waiting for the moment to come
when I stop thinking and start dreaming
Relaxation seems impossible for me
I am so sick of laying there motionless
Impatient and full

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

My voice no longer
yearns to sing
Guilt caught in my throat
No notes left floating up and out
Flying up through the air carelessly
I am feeling stiff
My vocal cords coated with sadness
Selfishness leaks through the broken piping
Connecting my brain to my heart down to my soul
Is it really as bad as it seems?
I am laughing with your pain
I've been told that this is the time to put myself first,
but I can't help but wonder if that's what's right for me
Or to what extent this is meant to be
I'm happier knowing that I'm causing no pain,
even if it causes me to be unhappy for a period of time