I'm missing you, but I am so glad that I have you to miss. What is here is only what is not here and I feel your presence even when there's an ocean between us. The smiles and the warmth stay here with me as a deepness in my chest. It's the indent you leave in the pillow next to me even after you've gone to get coffee. The distance in miles, in minutes, in weeks all lead up to my heart beating out of my ribcage to the beat of your drums, to the embrace that I crave constantly. Lips locked lops, locked fingers, and the next time i see you I'm going to paint your face with invisible kisses.

I must try to understand what it could mean to not be alive
What is the opposite of being alive?
Death?
Death is so unknown, yet so is being alive.
How can two opposites be so unknown?
I'm feeling lost.

we just gotta be honest with each other and not play games

he told me if i wanna call.. i should call

not try to figure out whether or not i should

i think you gotta keep stressing it

and find away to say how it makes you feel that makes him wake up

i guess you gotta decide if thats something you can handle

cuz i dont know if its gonna change..

maybe you could even ask him about that

he keeps saying he will

like if thats something you have to just learn to cope with

cuz when i talked to kelc about smoking

have you said that you dont like feeling one sided on the comm thing?

i just want to make it work, but to make it work we have to communicate and we both have to feel like we're important

ya i think thats a good thing to say to him

that right there

less about him doing something wrong..

more about.. you guys being more connected and continuing to grow your relationship in the right direction

yeah, especially while i'm in indiana, the communication is so important because that is all we have right now

exactly

and.. its good practice

cuz.. if this continues.. he'll tour again and no matter where either of you are, communication will be necessary

i mean.. if you guys are thinking big picture.. then.. thats how you gotta look at everything

and i feel like he thinks little things are big things

but they're not

maybe just some re-phrasing will help him with that.. like i said.. focusing on your relationship vs. him "failing"

you gotta learn to speak his language i think

I need you to try and not shut down when I'm trying to fix things or talk about things.

yeah that is a problem of mine. i think in "what ifs"

you gotta think in.. what is

esp with them being gone so much

and then.. when i finally get a good long skype or something, i just tell him... i have a list of things i wanted to remmeber to talk about with you

i don't feel like a priority. i feel like he's putting off calling me.

I'm willing to make this work. I'm willing to start fresh, not hold any of these instances against you. I just want to know that you want to try too. Decide what needs to be done to make things better and let's stop repeating the problem.

My heart is beating. Anxiously holding back my tongue as the words build up. Silence is like drowning, holding one's breath. My heart is beating. In silence, time stops. The anxiety of choosing the right words becomes more unbearable than the spaces between them, so the silence remains. What if there are no words to fill this void? We will have to create a new language or post an S.O.S. that no one will hear. "Save our silence!" we scream inside our heads, but the words dissolve before any ears are reached. We continue to sink. Our hearts are beating and our chests are heavy. Are we drowning from the weight of the words we are holding back or from the weight of their absence?

Time passes unevenly

Your chest rising and falling as you turn over in your sleep

So many faces look right at you,

but never really see

Your heart beating out of your ribcage

The warmth behind the smile

The hurt behind the tears,

which after so long begin to carve into your skin,

a grand canyon of sadness.

I made a new & entirely different kind of blog.

Check it out: http://kristineclaghorn.blogspot.com/

Doing this and that, just keeping my mind busy. My mind is numb and my feet are asleep. The beads of sweat are beginning to blend in with the tears racing down my cheeks and my fingers are rubbing shapes underneath my eyes. I'm pinching my arms to wake myself up from this dull dream, but I'm not even asleep. I'm just staring into the distance and all I can feel are hunger pangs, but I feel nothing for anyone and I feel nothing for myself. I keep trying to sing, but my voice keeps trailing off. I long to walk barefoot for miles and miles up the Rio Grande, skipping stones and humming to myself without a care in the world. I felt independent and warm. My days consisted of laughing and learning and never wanting to leave where I was. Every time I return, I feel even more lost in a place whose map I could trace on the back of my hand by memory. I can't wait to scrape up just enough money to leave again, come back, and repeat.